At an Easter breakfast on April 1 (yes, April Fools Day), trump’s spiritual advisor Paul White compared trump to Jesus, saying he was betrayed and falsely accused, but then rose again to victory. On Easter morning trump posted this message to Iran threatening to commit war crimes while also openly admitting he is powerless to stop Iran:
Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah.
trump went on to tell reporters at the White House event that same day, “Happy Easter. We had a great Easter. This is one of our best Easters, I think, in a lot of different ways. I can say militarily, it’s been one of the best.”
Paula White was ridiculed for her comparison of trump and Jesus, but below are some actual biblical translations from the American Evangelical Jesus Bible to support her comparison. And yes, this is satire.
“Sensing their confusion, American Evangelical Jesus said unto his disciples, ‘You have heard it said to turn the other cheek when others speak ill of you or seek to cause you harm. But behold I say to you now, to those who speak ill of you, sue them. To those who slander you, sue them. To those who strike you, sue them, you will win for sure. To those who work for you but who you believe you are paying them too much money, steal their wages and then sue them for emotional distress. And to those who film you chasing Black teenagers out of the Walmart because you know they are about to steal something, sue them for stealing your identity and for causing DEI, whatever that is. Sue them my children and reap all your enemies have sown.” (1 Hesitations 8:23)
“As a crowd of people gathered to listen, American Evangelical Jesus told them a parable. ‘There once was a man, a landowner, who sent workers out into his field because his sons overslept. Plus, those jobs aren’t really for Americans. At noon he gathered the workers and said that he had to drive to his mother’s house because of a medical emergency and that since they had not worked a full day he could not pay them. The workers were stunned as the landowner drove away. Because the workers did not have legal status there was nothing they could do so they eventually drifted away. After an hour the landowner returned with a fresh set of workers. And he did the same in the afternoon with the new workers as he had done in the morning. And the landowner earned much capital and tithed over 1.46% of all he earned.’ After telling the crowd his parable, American Evangelical Jesus told all who listened, ‘I tell you my children, be wise as serpents, and be innocent as serpents too.’” (4 Depressions 2:4-8)
“On Judgement Day, American Evangelical Jesus sat on a very large gold throne laced with diamonds and rubies and pearls. It was so shiny it made American Evangelical Jesus giddy just to look at it. One at a time, individuals came before American Evangelical Jesus to make their case to determine where they would spend eternity.
First came a man in a clerical collar. American Evangelical Jesus did not trust people who wore collars like that – too institutional. So, he asked the man if he believed in him as his personal Lord and Savior. The man in the collar said he believed Jesus was the Savior of the world and he tried to love God with his whole heart. Still suspicious because the man in the collar did not really answer the question, American Evangelical Jesus asked him, ‘do you believe I was born of the Virgin Mary.’ The man in the collar looked confused and said, I simply tried to love God and serve all people faithfully. Bored, American Evangelical Jesus pushed the button on his throne titled, ‘HELL’ which opened a hole in the floor and the man in the collar dropped into a chute that carried the man into eternal darkness. This was the second funnest thing American Evangelical Jesus got to do, next to his shiny gold throne.
Next came a woman with dreads, which immediately made American Evangelical Jesus suspicious because he did not think people with dreadlocks bathed. The woman started describing her life in a commune in Eastern Oregon where she and her friends – her new family she called it – lived off the earth in connection with nature while seeking to leave as small a carbon footprint as possible. American Evangelical Jesus listened for a time but she never once mentioned having a personal Lord and Savior so before she could finish he pushed the ‘HELL’ button and laughed as she fell down the chute to eternal darkness.
Next came before him a young Trans woman. Before she could speak, before she even stopped walking up to stand before him, almost before she got to the spot where the chute could open to send her to eternal darkness, American Evangelical Jesus slammed the ‘HELL’ button. ‘Nasty,’ he muttered.
Next came a young man named Josiah wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘Heritage Christian Crusaders’ with a picture of a sword and a bloody cross. Encouraged by what he saw, American Evangelical Jesus quickly asked, ‘did you trust me as your personal Lord and Savior?’ ‘You know it dude!,’ Josiah answered. ‘Then you are in bro!’ proclaimed American Evangelical Jesus as trumpets blew, the heavenly curtains opened, and Josiah strutted in. Josiah never mentioned the young immigrant mother and baby he killed in a drunk driving incident. Or the girlfriends he sexually assaulted. Or the money he inherited from owning stock in genocide-supporting Palantir. Don’t ask, don’t tell is the policy of American Evangelical Heaven. And saying the magic words gets you in forever.” (the Gospel according to Charlie Kirk 7:4-16)
“And American Evangelical Jesus saw his disciples arguing with others in the temple. As tempers flared one disciple drew a sword and so American Evangelical Jesus stepped in between them. ‘Friends, those who live by the sword will die by an AR 15. So, get an AR 15 so that you might live. Actually, get a bunch of AR 15s in case Hillary gets elected.’” (1 Disruptions 1:6)
