This is satire.

It has been a whirlwind of a year – so MANY great things happening and at the core of everything, donald trump is bringing back Christianity and it’s going to be bigger and better than ever! Yay Jesus!! And the best way our glorious Savior, donald trump, has brought Christianity back is how so much more dependent on Jesus we will all need to be just to survive!

Think about it. According to the Congressional Budget Office, which is nonpartisan – though we all know that nonpartisan is just another name for Socialist – estimates that roughly 15 million people will lose healthcare coverage by 2034 but, lest we forget, isn’t Jesus Christ also called the Great Physician? And aren’t people better off with a Great Physician than with measly old healthcare coverage? That’s why I follow the sage advice of Dr. Robert F Kennedy Jr and I don’t take any more vaccines! Jesus will heal me and if he doesn’t, then that will just prove that all of the people I have infected deserved it. 

I can say definitively, without ANY proof, Obamacare is ruining the country. 

Another way Jesus will soon be coming back in a BIG way is through hunger. Again, thanks to the One Big Beautiful Bill, A LOT more people will be super hungry and what do we most need when we are super hungry? JESUS!!! Over the next 10 years, 22.3 million families will lose food assistance. That’s roughly equal to the population of America’s 10 largest cities combined. More than 5 million families will lose about $150 a month in food assistance, which for many means the difference between going hungry and surviving. What’s more, cuts to SNAP will also shrink America’s school breakfast and lunch programs. That means kids in schools will not only get to pray to do good on their tests, they will also pray for something to eat! Didn’t Jesus want us to hunger and thirst for something. I always forget that passage.  

One way Christianity is coming back better than ever is by reminding us of the truth! For far too long we have been lulled into a false sense of understanding through things like “historical facts” and “scientific evidence.” No more! We don’t need the libtards trying to convince us that the United States has done bad things. Yes, there was slavery and yes, there was a genocide of Native Americans, and yes, our foreign policy has led to resource extraction of other countries and forced migration of economic and political refugees, BUT! We now can choose to follow alternative facts! Like the alternative fact that slavery wasn’t that bad and slaves got some cool names and they got to hear the gospel! Or the alternative fact that somewhere in Scripture (I forget exactly where) God gave HIS (we don’t need no stinkin’ pronouns!) people the Promised Land, which today, everyone knows, is AMERICA! 

The truth is everyday our extraordinary president gives us alternative facts! There are so many alternative facts I even get tired trying to keep up with them!

One thing I have learned is that Jesus is supposed to make us happy. That’s why Jesus wrote the Bible. But the few times I have actually read the Bible I get more than a little confused. So, to make things easier for Christians – and let’s face it, things have been SUPER TOUGH for Christians thanks to Joe Biden – we are going to need to make some changes to Jesus’ teachings. All of the focus on the poor and marginalized is so confusing when we remind ourselves that Jesus is OUR PERSONAL Lord and Savior! So, here are a few examples to show you how easy it is to make Jesus’ teachings more appropriate for our individual lives. 

• Instead of Jesus telling the Rich Young Ruler to sell all his possessions and give to the poor, the passage should go something like this: “So, when the Rich Young Ruler comes to Jesus because he feels like his life is incomplete Jesus exclaims, ‘What you are missing is tax cuts! As a child of affluence you have worked so hard to be in the position you are in so relax and know that the world has been created for your amusement and benefit! In principle, I have come to earth for the whole world, but in reality, I came for mostly people like you – in your ‘socioeconomic class.’” See? Isn’t that less confusing and more affirming? 
• Let’s try another. It gets easier with practice. Consider the story of Zaccheus the tax collector. This is really confusing so here’s what we can do with this one: “Jesus looked up into the trees and saw the tax collector Zaccheus and was revolted. Collecting taxes??? Not anymore thanks to the One Big Beautiful Bill! You’re fired, Jesus said to Zaccheus! We don’t need more Deep State government employees!’ So, after Jesus left town, Zaccheus went and found an honest job as a political commentator on Fox and Friends.” Wow, reading that just makes me happy!  

You can do this with virtually any Bible passage! 

Always remember this: if you were the only person on earth there would only be America and the corrupt United Nations wouldn’t exist which would be totally awesome! Oh, and Jesus would totally still have died for you! So, as American evangelical Christianity always teaches us, always live like you are the only person on earth!