In spite of this administration’s blatant lawlessness, cruelty, and incompetence, evangelicals have consistently shown strong, unwavering support for him. His America First policies are antithetical to the teachings and life of the biblical Jesus, though their support remains entrenched. So, to help provide a biblical basis for evangelical support for donald trump I have rewritten one of Jesus’ core teachings. Enjoy!
When American Evangelical Jesus saw the crowds, he didn’t feel compassion so much as he felt super-pumped about sticking it to the libtards so went up to the ancient mountain called Mar-A Lago, and after he sat down, he told his disciples that, “one day I will send someone to save America and make it great again. This is how you are to behave once he (re)takes power:”
“Blessed are the wealthy, because if you’re rich you are totally smart, and yours will be the Kingdom of DOGE because DOGE will automatically have authority over all other agencies.
“Blessed are those who create memes of the libtard snowflakes crying, for they will get lots of social media likes.
“Blessed are the powerful and those who use their power to protect people who look like them, for they will control the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for Americans and Americans only!, for they will be filled.
“Blessed are the winners for mercy is for the weak and we do not train to be merciful here.
“Blessed are those who wait to have sex in heterosexual marriage between one man and one woman, and if you did not wait to have sex in heterosexual marriage between one man and one woman and instead paid the person you had sex with off while making them sign a DNA, then you are blessed still and you will be a host on Fox and Friends and then get to run the Department of Defense.
“Blessed are those who please dictators and strongmen and who ignore the little countries who don’t have much for us to trade with, for they will receive free trump Bibles!
“Blessed are those who hate you because you are a total ass, but you interpret their revulsion as them hating you for being a follower of American Evangelical Jesus. I totally dig that.
And if no one really hates you, but you want to dominate them because they are libtards, then create a false sense of persecution, and yours will be the kingdom of America.
Rejoice and be glad and be sure and post the made up persecution on social media, for your reward will be great in America, for in the same way they persecuted the false prophets like Father Coughlin, Huey Long, and Joseph McCarthy who were before you.” (1 Hesitations 5:1-11)
The actual Beatitudes from Matthew 5:1-11.
When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up the mountain, and after he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he began to speak and taught them, saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.”
